Tis the season to be jolly? Sure, but a dash of trauma awareness will make the holly jolly attitudes we’re expected to carry with us through the season feel a bit more authentic. December can bring out the blues in us, and for good reason. This time of year, the weather is all dark and twisty, which creates the perfect backdrop for our unprocessed grief and unhealed trauma. Bring on the cookies, a pint of ice cream and a warm fire, and we’ve got ourselves a one-way ticket to Isolation Town. Don’t get me wrong, on occasion this looks more like self care and less like depression. Be careful though. When sitting alone in the dark watching holiday movies on the Hallmark Channel in lieu of attending get togethers with friends and loved ones becomes a nightly affair rather than an occasional occurrence, it might reveal there is unhealed material craving your attention.
These days, trauma is constantly within our collective awareness. Social media is flooded with information and resources related to the topic. In fact, it seems like everywhere you turn there are self-help guides aplenty. This won’t be another “how to,” not this month at least. Instead, I want to remind us of what trauma is and why it is important to understand how intimately it is connected to our well-being and to the happiness quotient of those around you.
In my work with patients, I define trauma as anything that takes us far outside of our window of tolerance and overwhelms our ability to cope. Internationally renowned addiction and trauma expert Gabor Mate teaches us that trauma is connected more to what happens inside of us as a result of an experience than the actual experience itself. When the experience happened, were there people around to help you verbalize the experience? This is referred to as co-creating an autobiographical narrative.
Did you get to say your words? Express your feelings? Work through it verbally? Not having support during or after a potentially traumatizing experience makes integration difficult and can lead to an enduring wound. It is true that holidays can be wonderful and full of happy memories. It’s equally true that they can bring pain and stress. Maybe it’s the expectations we tend to have around creating a dreamy experience worthy of those movies we watched a few too many of. Maybe it’s the unmet wish of a hopeful inner child to have it be “normal” or “perfect” this year … just for one day. We tend to create fantasies of warmth and togetherness that are not always realistic in our present-day circumstances. Addiction, grief and loss, mental health struggles, family of origin drama, interpersonal violence, the economy, or just the general state of the world can compete with the high hopes we place on the holidays. Keep in mind, wherever we go, there we are. We take ourselves into every situation, every holiday gathering, every meal, every single interaction, and so does every single other person. It is not unhealthy to hope for a lovely holiday season, but placing too high of expectations on yourself or others can become toxic if we let it.
Unhealed trauma places a heavy burden on significant moments. In essence, it can make us hope for more or less than a moment is truly capable of providing and can make it easy for disappointment to ruin not only your mood, but also the day. Additionally, they can wreak havoc on your interpersonal relationships. Satisfaction may be attained through a reality check met with a dose of surrender. This kind of movement towards authenticity and living life on life’s terms, as they say in recovery circles, may just lead to the holly jolly holiday you seek.
This holiday season, may we be mindfully aware of our own stories and of the stories of those around us. May we seek to have compassion for the impact they have had on us. Perhaps offering ourselves and each other a little bit of extra grace and warmth will be just the recipe we need for that jolly holiday. Afterall, a little trauma awareness goes a long way.
Theresia Richardson, PhD is a licensed mental health counselor in private practice in Mill Creek, WA where she serves individuals, couples, and groups. As a National Certified Counselor (NCC), an Approved Clinical Supervisor (ACS) and a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), Theresia is on a mission to help people remove barriers to love and connection and see their painful stories transformed into stories of healing and restoration. Book an appointment to begin your therapy journey on her website at www.counselingatthewell.com. Disclaimer: The thoughts presented in this piece are for educational purposes only and should not be considered medical advice. Please consider your mental health needs with a counselor.
